Maneuvering My Discomfort

A friend told me, very nonchalantly, that two things can be true at once. Those words have lived in my head for every hard situation I’ve gone through since. It’s an interesting thing…to be stuck between deep bouts of depression, and then this. Feeling like a failure in every aspect of life, feeling like a horrible person. Feeling like a fraud. Embarrassment. Regret. Wanting to hide. I don’t find myself worthy of many things. And so I decide loneliness is better than being proved that my saddest thoughts are a reality.

On the flip side, I have these dreams and during my times of finally feeling happy I try to express all that I can, just to be left with the same feeling of shame, embarrassment and regret. Cycle after cycle. Although this sounds depressing, the moments of happiness I do have are filled with such an overwhelming sense of hope and love for this life. For example, I took this photo when I was feeling deeply grateful and happy from the inside out. It was a beautiful day, only overshadowed intermittently by negativity brought on by own thoughts against me. Once we got outside, in the snow, back to the waterfalls, I was reminded of the times I once spent time rock hopping and swimming and laying in the sun, I was reminded to take a breath and pause. Because this feeling will, as always, subside with time.

Forever reminding myself that just because it feels like these feelings will never end, like a dark cycle, a cruel loop to live again and again…there is the possibility of happiness to be found in all moments. Even the hardest ones.

So here I am, legs elevated in front of the fireplace and listening to Sloane and Bill argue about who’s winning chess. Everyone is safe, and even if I still feel a lingering sense of doubt, this moment is one I’m grateful for. And this day is one I won’t forget.

If you’re feeling similar, a tool that’s been helping me is writing down 10 things I’m grateful for throughout the day. A practice I’ve began implementing since reading the book the Magic. The key to include WHY you’re grateful for this thing.

And a quick reminder that you are the love in this world and you matter.

Thank you for being here,

Tate 🫶🏻